The Best - "Out-Of-Office Reply" You can set

"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

1. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
2. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
3. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
4. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
   
5. I've run away to join a different circus.
   

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

现在的歌名越来越怪了

1. 王心凌《爱你》，S.H.E《我爱你》，Beyond《真的爱你》，李宗盛《我是真的爱你》，言承旭《我是真的真的很爱你》。
　点评：有这么这么复杂么？

2. 王菲《如果你是假的》，邓丽君《假如我是真的》，萧正楠《假如我是假的》，孟庭苇《真的还是假的》 。
　点评：靠，能退货么？

3. 成龙《我是谁》，蟑螂《忘了我是谁》，蔡依林《你是谁》，许志安《忘了你是谁》。
　点评：你们都需要脑白金！

4. 萧亚轩《一辈子做你的女孩》，龙梅子《下辈子做你的女人》。
　点评：不错，成熟了！

5. 朴树《我爱你 再见》，丁薇 《再见 我爱你》
　点评：不送……

6. 苏永康《男人不该让女人流泪》，陈小春《女人不该让男人太累》。
　点评：多么体贴的小夫妻啊！

7. 姜育恒《爱我你怕了吗》，孙燕姿《害怕》，王力宏《不要害怕》，潘玮柏《我不怕》，赵薇《不怕》，郭美美《不怕不怕啦》，郑伊健《怕什么，什么也不怕》。
　点评：真是人多胆子大！

8. 董文华《春天的故事》，杨千桦《夏天的故事》，陈艾玲《秋天的故事》，马天宇《冬天的故事》。　　
　点评：真是天天故事会啊！

Useful Info

您偶爾早上起床會發現自己睡落枕了嗎？
一旦落枕您該怎麼辦？

嚴重一點的，自然是上醫院啦...這一趟下來起碼要七天時間 ....
幸運一點的，雖然不用上醫院看看醫生，但等到脖仔子完全沒事，嘛是要二三天光景，脖子仍然是故障中。

一旦落枕時，只要將你的腳抬起來！把大腳姆指給掰開來，慢慢的以順時或逆時的方向按摩旋轉，則您的落枕，將獲得最大的修復。

如果發覺腳姆指肌肉緊繃，那表示您的脖子兒扭傷了，得要上醫院看看久未碰面的醫生。

記住，左腳管左邊，右腳是管右邊，經常按摩，將直接或間接地疏緩您頸項的肌力，有助於預防您脖子的傷害。尤其是你 ( 妳)們老坐在電腦前面辦公一定要 經常按摩唷 !!

還有一招非常有效 , 屢試不爽,
左腳抽筋時高高的舉起右手 ,
右腳抽筋時高高的舉起左手 ,馬上舒緩.

再提供一個妙方 :
若左腳麻了，用力甩你的右手掌
若右腳麻了，則用力甩你的左手掌

祝各位健康囉！

金玉"涼"言 - 行政院长刘兆玄的讲稿

行政院长刘兆玄在多年前的讲稿,
读来还真的很有意思,
认我们对这位新阁揆有了另一层的认识;
而以下是最近在网路上热门传达的:
金玉[涼]言,
也是很有一番意境呢?

"我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇, 前途一片光明, 但是出路没有."

"钱不是问题, 问题是我没有钱."

"一山不能容二虎, 除非一公和一母."

"宁愿相信世间有鬼, 也不能相信男人的那张嘴!"

"对流血一週仍然不死的动物千万不能大意..."

"男人的谎言可以骗女人一夜, 女人的谎言可以骗男人一生!"

"女人无所谓正派, 正派是因为受到的引诱不夠; 男人无所谓忠诚, 忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低..."

"我和超人的唯一区別是: 我把內裤穿在裤子里面."

"我身在江湖, 江湖卻没有关於我的传说..."

"水至清则无鱼, 人至贱则无敌."

"喝醉了我谁也不服, 我只要扶墙."

"避孕的效果: 不成功, 便成人."

"问世间情为何物? 一物剋一物."

"生, 容易; 活, 容易; 生活不容易."

"一个人并不孤单, 想一个人时才孤单."

"我不是随便的人, 但随便起来就不是人."

"骑白马的不一定是王子, 可能是唐僧; 带翅膀的不一定是天使, 也可能是[鸟人]."

"流氓不可怕, 就怕流氓有文化."

"水能载舟, 亦能煮粥!"

"聪明的女人对付男人, 而笨的女人对付女人."

What is the Hardest Thing to Break?

Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.

The answer is: HABIT
If you break the H, you still have A BIT. If you break the A, you still have BIT. If you break the B, you still have IT!!!

Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the "I". The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems. Cute???

Now, I know why HABIT is so hard to break. Its destiny is in its name. The word itself.

My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME . Because it makes an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME"...

The Tongue Twister

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

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She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

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A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

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Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.

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You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

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When a twister a-twisting will twist him a twist,
For the twisting of his twist, he three twines doth intwist;
But if one of the twines of the twist do untwist,
The twine that untwisteth untwisteth the twist.

Untwirling the twine that untwisteth between,
He twirls, with his twister, the two in a twine;
Then twice having twisted the twines of the twine,
He twitcheth the twice he had twined in twain.

The twain that in twining before in the twine,
As twines were intwisted he now doth untwine;
Twist the twain inter-twisting a twine more between,
He, twirling his twister, makes a twist of the twine.

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If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor
who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the
doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor
the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

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For more tongue twisters, check out this website.

Very Touching Story

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back..

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around.
She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now.

I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this.

'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.'

'I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it.

There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much.

But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

'My mommy loves white roses.'

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state.

The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll
placed over her chest..

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever... The love that the little boy had for his
mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Good Thoughts to Keep in Mind

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them: Work, Family, Health, Friends, Spirit. And you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls---family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.

—— Written by the CEO of Coca-Cola

唯美的从A到Z的英文字母

A Friend is.... 朋友就是 ....

Accepts you as you are 接受原本的你
Believes in "you" 相信你这个人
Calls you just to say "Hi" 打电话给你就是想说声"嗨"
Doesn't give up on you 从不放弃对你的信心
Envisions the whole of you 预期你总是尽全力

Forgives your mistakes 原谅你的过错
Gives unconditionally 无条件地给予
Helps you 帮助你
Invites you over 邀请你
Just "be" with you 静静地在你的身旁
Keeps you close at heart 靠近你的心

Loves you for who you are 因你原来的样子而爱你
Makes a difference in your life 使你的生活与以往不同
Never judges 不间断
Offers support 支持你
Picks you up 扶你一把
Quiets your fears 止息你的惧怕

Raises your spirits 鼓舞你的心灵
Says nice things about you 跟别人述说你好的那一面
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it 当需要时会告诉你实情
Understands you 懂你
values you 看重你

Walks beside you 与你同行
X-plain things you don't understand 解你的疑惑
Yells when you won't listen and 在你听不下时会大吼一下
Zaps you back to reality 把你拉回现实

Three answers most scared by men

(1）随 便 (Whatever)
男 : Men: What to have for dinner?
女：Women: Whatever..

男：Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：Women: Don't want, eat steamboat later got pimples on my face

男：Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?

男：Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：Women: Seafood not good also, later I might got diarrhea

男：Men: Then what you suggest?
女：Women : Whatever..


（2）都行 (Anything)

男：Men: So what should we do now?
女：Women: Anything

男：Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：Women: Watching movie not good, waste time only

男：Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：Women: Exercise in such hot day? Don't u feel tired?

男：Men: Then we find a café and have drink
女：Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep

男：Men: So, what you suggest then?
女：Women: Anything!!!


（3）看你 (You decide)
男：Men: Then we just go home lo
女：Women: You decide

男：Men: Let's take a bus, I will accompany you
女：Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la

男：Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女： Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance

男：Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：Women: So hungry, empty stomach how to walk?

男：Men: Then what you suggest?
女：Women: You decide

男： Men: Let's have dinner first
女：Women: Whatever...

男：Men: Eat what?
女： Women: Anyting

（看看四下无人，杀了她......） (Look around... if no ones here, just kill
her....)

How to Kill the Green-eyed Monster?

Nothing can ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. Jealousy creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate, fear. No one thinks clearly when jealous.

Having a relationship with a jealous person is tough. The jealous person acts untrusting or unworthy. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even repulsive.

No one wants a jealous mate and no one likes being jealous. So what causes jealousy?

"Jealousy is the largest factor in breaking up marriages. Jealousy comes about because of the insecurity of the jealous person and the jealousy may or may not have foundation. This person is afraid of hidden communication lines and will do anything to try to uncover them." — L. Ron Hubbard

When you are jealous, a line of communication is going on with your spouse or lover that is hidden from you. The mystery causes the pain. If you witnessed your spouse’s communication line, so it was not hidden from you, you would not feel jealous.

Hidden communication lines or mysteries make you think of questions. "Will she find someone she likes better than me?" "Is he having an affair?" "Is she going to leave me?" "Does he think I’m unattractive?"

When you are jealous, the mystery makes you assume the worst. "Maybe he’ll fall in love with his cute receptionist and leave me." "She’s going to lunch with her old boyfriend because she’s still attracted to him." "He’ll come home and tell me he wants a divorce."

So how do you handle your feelings of jealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?

How to Handle Jealousy

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger; a fear of losing something, and anger that someone is "moving in on" something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually 'feel' the emotion in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: is it more fear based, or more anger based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use "I" instead of "You". Instead of saying, "you shouldn't have done that", say, "I felt terrible when you did that."
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want, and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, "Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?" When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, many times, you can eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money.” or “If this person leaves me, I won't have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy and the fear will disappear.Dont listen to people who make you jealous

Tips

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love, it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different and each person has their good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. Jealousy can represent that "I like that, it would be nice to have that thing or experience". When you can be happy for another person's success and happiness, you are allowing positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

P.S. Green-eyed monster, please go away!

几米 - 《夫妻》

1。他是个哑巴，虽然能听懂别人的话，却说不出自己的感受

2。她是他的邻居，一个和外婆相依为命的女孩。

3。她一直喊他哥哥。他真象个哥哥，
带她上学，伴她玩耍，含笑听她唧唧喳喳讲话。
他只用手势和她交谈，可能她能读懂他的每一个眼神。
从哥哥注视她的目光里，她知道他有多么喜欢自己。

4。他们从小一起玩耍，一起长大。

5。后来，她终于考上了大学，非常开心。

6。他便开始拼命挣钱，然后源源不断地寄给她。她从来没有拒绝。

7。终于， 她毕业了，参加了工作。
然后，她坚定地对他说："哥哥，我要嫁给你！"

8。他象只受惊的兔子逃掉了，再也不肯见她，无论她怎样哀求。

9。她这样说："你以为我同情你吗？想报答你吗？不是，

我12岁我就爱上你了。"可是，她得不到他的回答。

10。有一天，
她突然住进了医院。他吓坏了，跑去看他。医生说，她喉咙里长了一个瘤，虽然切除了，却破坏了声带，可能再也讲不了话了。病床上，她泪眼婆娑的注视着他。

11。于是，
他们结婚了。很多年，没有人听他们讲过一句话。他们用手，用笔，用眼神交谈，分享喜悦和悲伤。他们成了相恋男女羡慕的对象。人们说，那一对多么幸福的哑夫妻啊。

12。爱情阻挡不了死神的降临，
他撇下她一个人先走了。人们怕她经受不住失去爱侣的打击来安慰她。

13。她收回注视他遗像的呆痴目光，突然开口说："他还是走了。"谎言已揭穿了……

14。人们惊讶之余，
都感叹不已，这是一份多么执着的、深厚的、像童话一样的爱呀！从此，她不再讲话，不久也离开了人世。

15。相恋中的男女仍会拿他们当作谈论的话题，
他们常说，你听过那对哑夫妻的故事吗？默默爱你，直到永远……

一句話

人生的成敗，常常因為一個人、一件事，甚至一句話而有決定性的影響。尤其對人有用的一句話，勝過千言萬語。

古今中外有很多人因為別人的一句話而深受感動，甚至豁然開朗；由於「一句話」而改變一生的事例，更是多不勝數。

美國著名的教育家和演講口才藝術家卡內基，小時候是一個非常調皮的小男孩。他九歲的時候，父親將繼母娶進門。
他父親向新婚妻子介紹卡內基時，如是說：「希望你注意這個全郡最壞的男孩，他實在令我頭痛，說不定明天早晨他還會拿石頭砸你，或做出什麼壞事呢！」
出乎卡內基預料的是，繼母微笑地走到他面前，托著他的頭，注視著他。
接著告訴丈夫：「你錯了， 他不是全郡最壞的男孩，而是最聰明，只是還沒找到發洩熱忱地方的男孩。」
此話一出，卡內基的眼淚不聽使喚地滾滾而下。
就因為這一句話，建立了卡內基和繼母之間深厚的感情；也因為這一句話，成就了他立志向上的動力；更因為這一句話，讓他日後幫助千千萬萬的人一同步上了成功之路。

「一句話」很容易說，但重要的是要能讓對方受用。
給人一句好話，讓人生命奮起飛揚，何樂而不為呢？所以，人要常說：

第一、給人歡喜的話；
第二、給人鼓勵的話；
第三、給人肯定的話；
第四、給人讚美的話。

多說好話，少說壞話。

不經意的一句輕浮話，有時會自毀前程，而一句關懷別人的話，...s能讓沮喪的人有生存下去的勇氣。因此人要經常注意自己的口舌，以免破壞了好因緣。

爱一个人是美好的

Kindergarden or Kindergarten? - English Learning

The correct word is kindergarten (preschool for children age 4 to 6 to prepare them for primary school).



is a useful site that help people like me to learn English as a second language. You'll find everything from lessons for students to jobs for teachers, including interactive pages such as forums, games, quizzes, chat, help and penpals.

You might think of going back to learn English from kindergarten level again. Hehe.

What are you waiting for? Check it out now!

.~.~.~. Joke .~.~.~.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Dilbert Come In Animation!!!

http://www.dilbert.com/animation/

Voice of America (VOA)

The Voice of America, which first went on the air in 1942, is a multimedia international broadcasting service funded by the U.S. Government through the Broadcasting Board of Governors. VOA broadcasts more than 1,250 hours of news, information, educational, and cultural programming every week to an estimated worldwide audience of 134 million people.

http://www.voanews.com/english/portal.cfm

Some Meaningful Quotes

If you born poor
it's not your mistake,
But if you die poor
it's your mistake - Bill Gates

In a day, when you don't
come across any problems
- you can be sure that
you are traveling in a
wrong path - Swami Vivekananda

Three sentences for
getting success:
a) know more than other
b) work more than other
c) expect less than other - William Shakesphere

If you win you need no
explain ... But if you lose
you should not be there
to there - Adolph Hitler

Don't compare yourself
with anyone in this
world. If you do so, you
are insulting yourself - Alen Strike

If we cannot love the
person whom we see,
how can we love god,
whom we cannot see ? - Mother Teresa

Winning doesn't always
mean being first,
winning means you're
doing better than you've
done before - Bonnie Blair

I will not say I failed
1000 times, I will say
that I discovered there
are 1000 ways that can
cause failure - Thomas Edison

Everyone thinks of
changing the world,
but no one thinks of
changing himself - Leo Tolstoy

Believing everybody is
dangerous;
Believing nobody is very
dangerous - Abraham Lincoln

If someone feels that
they had never made a
mistake in their life,
then it means they had
never tried a new thing
in their life - Einstein

Never break four things
in your life - Trust,
Promise, Relation &
Heart because when they
break they don't make
noise but pain a lot - Charles

If you start judging
people you will be
having no time to love
them - Mother Teresa